Episode 34 - Lo Siento

This episode is an apology — not to anyone else, but to myself. It’s about owning the ways I’ve neglected my peace, ignored my worth, and let pain go unchecked. “Lo Siento” is a moment of accountability and grace — learning to forgive the person you used to be so you can finally become who you’re meant to be.

Transcript

SPEAKER_01 0:01

I apologize for not understanding you sooner.

SPEAKER_00 0:09

I apologize for not being able to help you focus more on what you need to actually be doing and not getting sidetracked. Um I apologize for not listening to you when you were giving me warning signs and when you were letting me know what's going on. I'm sorry for not listening to you when you were telling me things, but I didn't know.

SPEAKER_01 0:37

I didn't have the foresight to know what was to come when you were letting me know this is about to happen. I apologize for that. I apologize for not being strong enough to get you out there sooner instead of being afraid to make the leak. I'm afraid for that. Not afraid, but I apologize for it. Maybe if uh we started earlier, you know, trajectories could have changed, or you know, hell, maybe you would have met your current wife sooner, you know. Maybe you would have met the love of your life sooner, and y'all would have had an earlier start to your uh cheer lovely life together.

SPEAKER_00 1:36

I apologize for you know I apologize for being so uh worried in those years about perception and how people see you. But in reality, it doesn't fucking matter.

SPEAKER_01 1:51

Maybe if you're an influencer, it matters, but in the end, all this shit really doesn't matter, it's just about being a good person. I apologize for not getting you in the therapy sooner, allowing you to stretch yourself. I apologize for not getting you out of Texas sooner than I did, and actually forcing you to live there longer than you really should have. Should have left way earlier. But you know, how inside of 2020.

SPEAKER_00 2:33

If all that would have happened, how would you have, you know, got life experience and got better as a person and been there to take care of your mom?

SPEAKER_01 2:46

Like, how would you have been able to do all those things if you had left early?

SPEAKER_00 2:52

I apologize for these things, but also say that knowing it possibly wasn't the right time and everything happened the way it happened now because that's how it's supposed to happen.

SPEAKER_01 3:08

Maybe you were supposed to go through these hardships and go through these trials and deal with these things just so you can evolve and become a better person. I apologize for that. This is an apology to myself, you know, hold myself accountable, uh helping myself come to terms with who I was, and I guess you could say uh be thankful for who I am now.

SPEAKER_00 3:46

Um and then you you want to be real with yourself, you want to hold yourself accountable, and you always want to be honest with yourself and be your best self. So, you know, sometimes I feel like that means you need to also apologize for who you once was.

SPEAKER_01 4:05

Even if you're a victim of circumstance, it doesn't mean you can't feel some kind of you know sorry feeling for the way you were and the way you treated others. You can still hold yourself accountable while acknowledging, you know, this happened because of this. So, you know, I gotta accept that. You know, gotta be understanding to yourself, you gotta be nice to yourself. You know, being nice to yourself is like uh how can I say it?

SPEAKER_00 4:48

Being nice to yourself is like whenever you're training and trying to get better at sport, and instead of telling yourself, like, oh you're doing a great job, you're doing good, you're like, bitch, what the fuck was that? Like, you know, you're supposed to move this way and you're supposed to hold your chat this way, like what the fuck are you doing?

SPEAKER_01 5:04

Come on, let's do right, you know, things of that nature. Learning to be nice to yourself. Um for others, I would say, um, but I apologize for.

SPEAKER_00 5:25

I apologize for not being as understanding when I was younger. Or just apologize for being like a sarcastic asshole. Because I don't really feel like that's the way you should go through life.

SPEAKER_01 5:38

Of course, I was dealing with my own issues at the time, but it doesn't mean that I had to act that way with everybody. Now, of course, it was a way to mask pain and be funny and um, you know, be a little self-deprecating, but with that being said, I could have found better ways to do my issues than expressing it through sarcasm. So I do apologize for that. Yeah. Um but that being said, I am who I am and the person that I am now, I'm thankful I went through those things because it led me to being this person that I become. You know, sorry for you know, putting people in bad positions, you know, or not being uh seen as thankful. I did take some things for granted. But you know, living you learn.

SPEAKER_00 6:59

When you're just living and you're not really thinking twice about what you're doing, you're kind of just doing it and trying to find a way to do it.

SPEAKER_01 7:06

You know, it's uh at some point you gotta think back and be like, yeah, you know, I could have handled that better.

SPEAKER_00 7:15

Like, you know, instead of uh going out till midnight past curfew, I could have just you know shoot in my hotel.

SPEAKER_01 7:25

Didn't need to do all that. But you know, you learn. Um I will say is I apologize to myself for not standing up for myself sooner and being afraid of confrontation.

SPEAKER_00 7:45

Well, was I afraid of confrontation?

SPEAKER_01 7:47

I didn't run from confrontation, but you know, hard conversations I didn't typically have, which also couldn't be possibly because you know I wasn't really raised to have hard conversations and kind of just you know to have an issue, go out to eat, not really address it, but kind of talk around it and then move on instead of dealing with the emotions behind whatever happened and dealing with the repercussions of whatever happened. So I apologize for that as well. You know, I'm also sorry for 2004. Uh I think I was in high school.

SPEAKER_00 8:44

I don't think I I don't think anything really happened. I was just saying that because Ruben Thunder had a song called I'm sorry for 2004. But nonetheless, oh wait, no, I could apologize for something. I had afro. Yeah, I've been growing my hair since I was like in middle school, and like in high school. At that point, I had grown it really, really high. And then um I'm not even gonna say what people, but basically some people would always throw stuff in my hair and touch my hair, and I didn't like it, but they would do it. So they would just throw pencils in my hair, throw paper in my hair, and they just thought it was so funny. And uh I got tired of it, so um I cut my hair, and a lot of people were upset about that. I apologize for y'all being assholes, but y'all just not used to seeing this kind of hair in person, and you're being exposed to it, and you didn't know how to act, and you're in high school, so it can't affect you to know the right way to do things.

SPEAKER_01 9:46

Yeah, that's uh what I'm starting for in 2004. There we go. Um other other than that, you know, this is the light episode. It's uh basically me talking to myself and you know just uh apologizing for, you know, uh everything that I did that didn't help or benefit me in the future at that point in time, whatever I was doing. Other than that, I'm just gonna song that's hard reset.